*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
You Might Also Like
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”