things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Oh thanks BBC.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.