He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met