I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
english majors be like furthermore
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.