It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You Might Also Like
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
What even happened today?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?