My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it