[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Sign of the day..
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“