Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
something like this could probably happen to anyone
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.