I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.