Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.