People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Same post same
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.