I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Growing out my freckles.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
New Tinder profile.