My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Got him!
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.