The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”