People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me checking my bank balance online.
That earthquake could have been an email.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
when you don’t want to be too vague
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*