*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You Might Also Like
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂