Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
LMAO.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.