Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
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Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[the middle of showering] I need a break
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you