I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
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Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
i really liked this one
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Everyone’s family
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*