I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone