Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
You Might Also Like
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.