Jesus Christ lmao
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Stop sending me this shit.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Shower sex be like:
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
When you kidnap a writer.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.