A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
You Might Also Like
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Proofread twice, hang posters once
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back