Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.