Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”