I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
You Might Also Like
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I got bills
They’re multiplying
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough