I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Every work meeting this week
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”