My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Feels like the fourth month in January
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone