Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
idk flipping houses looks really hard
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
The little toadstool has spoken.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live