The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people