When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes