Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.