The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!