My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!