An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight