I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I have never related to anyone more.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Do not steal food from the science building!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.