If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“and how does that make you feel?”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“what’s it like having a sister?”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.