Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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My daily affirmation
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers