According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?