This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
The struggle is real.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.