Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
You Might Also Like
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.