Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*