*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries