You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
You Might Also Like
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
handsome & gretel
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.