How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life