[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front