People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.