If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees