I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
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EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Thursday
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.