He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.